However, what I couldn’t forget from our conversation with Miguel’s developmental pediatrician was about accepting the fact that Miguel might not be able to catch up developmentally (he has autism) despite all the interventions. That’s the easy route – full acceptance – because it can ease the pressure of having to catch up on lost developmental milestones. Nonetheless, that’s also akin to giving up, or surrendering, which can be detrimental to Miguel’s development.

For months, I wasn’t entertaining the idea of full acceptance. We just have to do what we have to do, whatever we can, to the best of our abilities, even if it takes us a lifetime. Nevertheless, there are days when I couldn’t help but think about Miguel not ever catching up. The last few days were one of those.

Miguel used to wake up in the middle of the night for no reason at all. But for more than a year now, Miguel is able to sleep soundly and on his own. And then just a few days ago, he began waking up in the middle of the night again. This time though, he was crying non-stop and incessantly jumping on the bed while doing so. Sometimes, he’d hit his head on a pillow (thank goodness!), or on worst occasions, he’d hit his head on my head.

Furthermore, during the past three days, he would cry for no reason at all throughout the day. He’s been mumbling “Daddy” and the alphabet just a few months ago but he seemed to have forgotten all of those things again. Miguel's teachers have been focusing on teaching him to identify just two colors, but he hasn't shown progress with regard to that. 

We were all hopeful because the more aggressive intervention seemed to be working fine for Miguel. We would’ve wanted to keep the hope burning but we just have to accept the fact that there are not-so-good days that will leave us all feeling a bit down and questioning.

That’s not to mention that we are all physically tired at home, especially because Miguel would only stop crying when we carried him. It’s also becoming challenging because Miguel is a tall and heavy boy. I’m starting to feel my age and sometimes my legs would just refuse to stand up. On many occasions, I can barely keep my eyes open in the middle of the night. I’ve been losing my temper easily because my mind is tired.

We’re optimistic that this is just another phase. Just the same, we’re wishful that Miguel would just tell us what he wants, even through gestures, so that we can help him. I just wish that he’d be his old self again, playful and contented. Or better yet, I hope we can encourage him to one day talk and say even just a few words.

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